So tonight really sucked. Everything started of well, despite the fact that I’m on my period. Amber and I were over with one of our friends, J, and we were just having a good time all around. Watched a movie, went to Coldstone for ice cream, came back and watched another movie. And then we pulled out Risk. I should probably preface this by saying that I am a very competitive person. I had never played Risk before but I remember trying to play it as a younger kid and trying to read the directions hurt my brain. Things started of well – I captured Europe and was doing ok. Everything started to go sour when Amber was only attacking me. My gameplay started to deteriorate as both Amber and J were attacking me. At one point Amber called me a bitch (in a very joking manner – I believe she was saying something like that’s right, get the hell out of my Japan) and I just kind of internally snapped. I had to fight really hard to hold on to my temper and my emotions. I had a mini confrontation with her and just kind of withdrew inside myself. She texted me as we’re all sitting there playing the game asking what was wrong and I told her that frustration from losing ground coupled with her attacking only me, calling me a bitch, and being hormonal just set me off. She realized how that could do something and apologized. I continued to get the shit kicked out of me and eventually just gave up and did suicide missions just to end my need to participate. After the incident, I was struggling to maintain my hold on my emotions as I kept feeling like I was going to just burst into tears, something I absolutely refuse to do in front of others just because of hormones. Even now I’m having a hard time containing my emotions. Hormones really suck. I’ve just been kind of despondent as well. I’m not really sure why exactly things hit me so hard tonight but whatever it was was really harsh.
Archive for January, 2009
So I decided on a new name last night. I chose the name Emmett Reid. Amber really likes it as she can still call me M for short. I was in such a good mood at work today and I think deciding on a male name had a good deal to do with it. A few of my coworkers were actually remarking on it. Probably a good thing to be happy about a name you’ve chosen.
I’ve been looking at male names and so far the ones Amber and I like are (in no particular order):
Reid (middle name?)
So, I’ve been thinking. The overwhelming majority of my relationship up to this point have been with guys. And even though I’ve been dating Amber exclusively for over 2 years now, I don’t consider myself to be a lesbian in any way. I irritates the hell out of me when people try to pin that label on me. It just doesn’t feel right. These people don’t know my past and are making assumptions based on my current relationship. I know there are probably ignorant people out there who would try to say that I was in hetero relationships in the past just to hide who I really was. Granted there were a couple of times when I felt a slight attraction to some of my female friends growing up but I never acted on those attractions. Just didn’t really pull at me hard enough. I can say with absolute certainty that Amber is the only woman I have ever truly loved. I knew I was in trouble within the first month of us dating. I’m sure my grandma is one of those people who thinks I am a lesbian and I just shudder at that term and me being joined together. In all actuality, I think my grandma is going to be my biggest opposition in revealing who I really am, just because of how she has become. Sometimes when I think of the people at work who call me a lesbian behind my back, I seriously think about telling them. But I’m not ready yet. I work with too many uber-Christians. They probably already have some sort of issue with my current living situation now. At least they act normally in a professional setting. I think there will be mixed feelings among my coworkers. There are a couple of people who I think will just blink and say OK but others won’t be some accepting. I’ll worry more about that when it comes time.
Tags: childhood, FtM, growing up, life, past, teen years
So I told a little bit about what the purpose of this blog is for. Now I should probably talk about my life up to this point.
I grew up as a bit of a recluse in South Lake Tahoe – didn’t have very many friends. I didn’t really mind at all as I was always exploring the forest around our home and doing things girls generally don’t do. I climbed the trees and built tepee forts with my dad, helped my mom build the garden, and just had fun. I hated wearing dresses as a kid and wore them as infrequently as possible. Dresses just got in the way. You couldn’t run and climb trees in a dress. Besides the boys didn’t have to wear them so why did I? Even at school I was always hanging with the guys. I remember my best friends were Kellen and Hayes. We used to catch crickets at recess when the weather was right for them and had fun running and playing in the snow during winter. In 4th or 5th grade, one of my female friends invited me and a bunch of other girls over for a birthday party and I spent most of the time playing with her brother. I just felt uncomfortable around groups of girls. I joined the Girl Scouts and as much as I enjoyed the activities we did, I don’t think I was ever truly comfortable around them.
In junior high, I played basketball with the guys just about every day at lunch during 6th grade. As I grew up more, I started to realize that girls weren’t supposed to play with the boys and slowly started to find other activities just so I wouldn’t be talked about. I was very uncomfortable drawing attention to myself – still am to a certain extent. I think the only times I wore a dress during these times were the formal times likes music concerts and graduation. I was still involved with Girl Scouts at this point and we were supposed to go on a cruise in 8th grade. Had to get formal wear for the occasion. My mom and I went shopping for dresses and we found some pretty ones in colors I would actually wear… I think my sister has those dresses now. The trip got canceled and we ended up going to a fancy restaurant in town and later to see Les Miserable in SanFran. We took a group picture and I remember someone telling me to close my legs because I wasn’t a guy. I also hated pictures being taken of me… I’m better about it now, but not by much as some people will tell you. When we went to SanFran, one of the girls did my hair and makeup for me because I didn’t know how to do those things. I wasn’t one of those girls whose moms wouldn’t let them wear makeup – I just had no interest in it. I think the only reason I started shaving my legs was because the other girls were doing it. I started wearing a hat around during the middle school era and one of my friends asked if I was trying to become a boy. I think, looking back, that I was just trying to be like my dad. All through my life I have tried to be like my dad and at times it just spilled out far enough that people questioned me. I know girls are supposed to take after their mothers and boys after their fathers, and trust me I’ve picked up plenty from my mom, but I was constantly striving to be like dad. I can go really far into this subject but I think I’ll save that for another post.
I think the thing I hated the absolute worst about growing up was getting boobs. I would have been happy with A cups, if that. Instead, I got fucking triple D cups. Even now, my boobs plague me. I have a difficult time concealing them and would really just rather have them gone. I’m going to get a binder from Underworks whenever my tax return gets here. Hopefully, that will work for me.
High school was pretty fun. I kind of stopped caring what people thought of how I acted or dressed. Probably didn’t hurt that I joined NJROTC and was wearing a uniform once a week. I was constantly showing up the guys. I wanted to prove that I could be just as good as they were and most of the time I succeeded. I think I was probably the happiest during this time. I excelled in ROTC and was one of the only 1st years to get a position on the staff. We moved before 10th grade and my parents settled on a house in the district of the only school with ROTC in the area. I am really lucky to have parents who did that for me. They passed up many houses that would have been good because they weren’t in the right district. I ended up going to the rival school of my mom’s old high school. I loved this school. The music department was awesome even if the ROTC wasn’t the best unit I had been in. Going into the new ROTC program, I was the most decorated cadet there and I advanced quickly through the ranks, eventually becoming the commanding officer in my senior year. But the music program actually had a marching band aspect and we got to wear uniforms. They also had a Victorian Band that played during the Christmas season and I joined in 11th grade. That was the year I had to wear the dreaded pink dress… It was really more of a hot pink/fuschia color and I hated it. It was the only dress left that would fit me. I hated dresses to begin with and the add one of my most hated colors, whew that was not fun. I was very self-conscious every time I had to wear it. I envied the guys their suits and top hats. Hell, I was only wearing a dress because I had to. Somehow I made it through the season. The next year one of my friends was very kind and told the lady in charge of costumes that I would rather go out naked than wear that dress again. I had never said that but… it worked. So I happily chose a much better dress. I actually kind of liked my dress that year, despite it being a dress. My mom also made me a beautiful prom dress that year too. I can count the number of times I wore a dress in my final year of high school on one hand. I didn’t even wear a dress for senior portraits or the senior year book photo. I wore my ROTC uniform in its full glory for the yearbook photo and wore a suit-type ensemble for portraits. I haven’t worn a dress since graduation and it feels good.
When I enrolled in the community college, I played around with makeup for awhile. I wore it fairly regularly for a span of about a month when I was trying to attract a guy’s attention. Gradually though, I just stopped wearing it and returned to my T-shirts and jeans. I became more comfortable with myself when I started dating Amber. Amber is the 1st girl I have ever dated and everything feels so right with her. It feels like something has just snapped into placed since we’ve been dating. She didn’t mind if I wore guys clothes. She thought I looked hot in just about anything I wore. Telling my mom that I was now dating my roommate was very difficult. I was so nervous when I decided to tell her. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever done because I didn’t know how she would react. I didn’t know if she would tell me to get and never come back or accept it. My mom had told me about the time when my biological father had told her that they would be competing for dates when they had ended things. So I was very nervous. Lucky for me, she accepted. After I moved to a new town, I cut my hair really short – boy short. I had hair that went down to my ass. Family wasn’t too pleased about that. I am really nervous about how they are going to take my latest revelation. Granted my mom took things really well, but how is she going to take this? I’ve read blogs of other FtM men who came out to their parents about being a lesbian and their parents taking it well and then cutting off communication when they came out as being trans. My family is such a big part of my life that I am terrified of losing them. I think this is even worse than having to come out as being in a same-sex relationship. Eventually I will have to think of some way to tell them. Hopefully they will look back at my life and accept me for who I am.
I’d just like to start by saying hi to everyone and introduce myself. I am a 21-year-old biological female who has never really identified with being female. This blog is to record my personal transition from female to male and is a result of my girlfriend’s instigation. Hopefully this blog will be a place for me to write down my feelings and thoughts throughout my journey to become a transman. If you have any questions for me, let me know and I’ll do my best to answer them. With that, I’m going to conclude this post and write some more later.