Nerves

I won’t lie…  I’m a conflicted mess of nerves right now.  Why?  This next weekend (the second weekend of May) I will be traveling down to visit my family.  The 7th is my dad’s birthday and the 9th is Mother’s Day.  I haven’t seen my family since I moved up to Portland.  That’s the only downside I have seen so far of moving up here – a lot farther away my family.  I’m excited to finally be going down there again but also nervous as hell.

I haven’t seen them in so long that I fear it is going to appear like I’ve changed overnight.  Sure, I talk with my mom almost every week, but that doesn’t involve seeing changes.  She’s remarked on my voice changing, asked if I’m getting sick…  I just tell her no.  She knows that I’m transitioning so I leave it at that.  I think she’s still coming to terms with everything, still trying to understand.  Maybe going down there will be a good thing.  It’ll make her see the changes.  I’m working on growing out my sideburns and I’m getting more facial hair so it will definitely be obvious.  At the same time, I don’t want to make things uncomfortable.  I’m probably worrying over nothing…

The other part to this whole nerves thing is the mode of transportation.  I’m traveling by train for the first time ever.  It’s roughly a 12 hour journey by train…  And Amber’s not joining me.  Due to financial concerns, we decided it would be best for me to go by myself.  Mom’s chipping in a good chunk of my travel costs too.  However, that means that I’m traveling by myself.  Not sure I’ve really ever done that before.  And I have the lovely added bonus of transitioning to add to that whole mess.  I’m still in somewhat of a limbo state in terms of presenting as male at all times.  Amber’s always been sort of a security blanket out in public for me, I suppose.  After all, one can’t really refer to themselves using male pronouns without using some form of third person narrative.  Plus, I’m not the most comfortable in a group of people where I don’t know even one person.  And 12 hours on a train means that at some point I’m going to have to use the facilities.   I don’t know if the facilities are divided by gender or if it’s like an airplane with the unisex bathroom.  I hope it’s the latter.  Would certainly make things easier on my mental state.

Hopefully, I’m just worried about nothing.  Hell, who knows?  It might turn out to be beneficial after all…

8 Months on T

Hard to believe it’s been 8 months already…  One of those confusing times where it doesn’t seem like it could have been that long ago but at the same time, longer – if that makes any sense.

As far as physical changes, I keep getting hairier everywhere.  Seriously.  Hair thickening and darkening on my face, back, legs, ass, stomach, arms… Just about everywhere you can imagine hair, it’s growing more prevalent.  I’m really happy with the facial hair that’s coming in.  My sideburns have hair just like my head but it’s not completely filled in, still on the thin side.  Mustache area has more hair than the sideburns but it’s not as thick or dark there yet.  More dark hairs are popping up on my cheeks and chin.  The cheeks and chin are definitely the least hairy spots on my face.  Everything should fill in eventually.  I haven’t shaved in a few weeks and am trying to fill in my sideburns some more before I do shave again.  Probably shave again in a week or two.  I find it rather interesting just how much hair is on my legs.  I think the only reason I shaved my legs to begin with as a teen was due mainly to peer pressure/gender expectations and it’s neat to see the hair filing in on T.  I stopped shaving my legs more than a year ago and the hair was growing longer at that point.  T has made the hairs darker, thicker, and is filling in the areas made sparse by years of shaving.  Kind of cool really.  My happy trail is filling in nicely and stands out as well.

Haven’t noticed much of a change in muscle mass but then again, my working out has been disrupted by so many things.  Seems like every time I try to get back on track, something else happens to derail me.  Worked out twice last week on Tuesday and Wednesday, and took a break on Thursday due to some severe protesting by my muscles.  Woke up with an excruciating cramp in my calf Friday morning, so bad that it woke me up thrashing.  At least there was enough going on at work over the weekend to keep me physically busy.  Hoping to get back on a schedule of working out Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday with a nice walk or something on Sundays.  Didn’t work out today so I will probably work out tomorrow to make up for it.

My voice is still somewhat unsettled.  Doesn’t jump around as much as it used to and I can actually sing some, although my throat tends to get a little sore after singing for a while.  I think that is mainly due to strain on my vocal cords.  I’m happy with how my voice is turning out.

I think that’s it for physical changes.  Mentally, I feel so much better about myself in general.  As the months go by, I like what I see in the mirror more and more.  I’m not as skittish about pictures.  I feel more at peace with myself and my surroundings.  I do get a little more road rage than I did before but I can live with that.  The only thing that could make me happier with myself would be top surgery.

I think transitioning is one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

Health

Something kind of interesting I noticed a few weeks ago during the cold from hell…

My doctor advised my to start taking a multi-vitamin and baby aspirin, just as a precaution, daily.  Usually I am really bad about taking any daily pills but I am making an effort.  Went out and bought one of those daily pill containers and set it with all my daily stuff in the bathroom.  So far I’ve been taking them without fail, largely in part thanks to Amber refilling the container for me every Saturday while I’m at work.  Been taking them regularly for about a month, which is a record for me… Usually only last 1 week.  Funny thing is – I think since I’ve decided to transition, I actually care more for the overall health of my body.  Even more so now that I’m on injectable testosterone, which is what I wanted from the very beginning.  That’s another thing… I’m becoming more used to giving myself an injection to the point where it doesn’t really bother me in the slightest.  And the last few times I’ve done my injection, I’ve had little to no pain in the days following.  For a while there, I would become rather sore in the leg I used for my injection 2-3 days after I did the injection.  Better than the first time I got an injection by the NP I was seeing and about 6 hours later practically fell down as my leg buckled under me…

Anyways, back on track…  I was taking my dailies regularly and then the cold that was going around work hit.  And it hit fast.  Came back from lunch one day and noticed that my throat was a little sore when I swallowed.  I’ve had periods of throat soreness mainly just from T related changes so I was hoping that it would abate by the next day.  However, the next morning, I felt completely drained, stuffed up, and it hurt to swallow even coffee… Went to work but they ended up sending me home before I even clocked in for the day.  Went home, ended up sleeping for a chunk of the day, and then the problems started… I kept getting a bloody nose.  Normally any nose bleed I get has a good amount of blood, takes some time to stop, and that’s it for a few weeks at least.  This series was pretty intense with 3-4 bleeds the first two days lasting on average about 20 minutes each, and easily triggered.  Needless to say, that really sucked.  Finally occurred to me on the third day that the aspirin probably wasn’t helping me out at all…  Seems so obvious in retrospect…  Discontinued taking the aspirin until I was completely over the sickness.  And what do you know… The bleed-outs stopped almost completely the first day I didn’t take the aspirin.  Fast forward about a week or so…  Finally over that nasty bout of crap, started taking aspirin again.  First day, nose bleed.  Guess I don’t need to be taking aspirin…  Think my blood’s thin enough, thanks.

I’ve been trying to keep up on my workouts as well, but sometimes life just likes to throw shit at you. For example, prior to getting sick, I had gotten scratched up by a cat at work (hazards of the job…) and couldn’t really work out with weights as the cat decided that my hand was an excellent scratching post…  Just as I was healed up to the point I could work out without tearing open a wound, I got sick.  Kind of a vicious cycle here… Was feeling pretty good today and worked out with my weights at home.  Damn, what a difference some time off makes.  I pushed myself to do just about what I was doing before everything went to hell in a hand basket and I certainly felt the burn.  Feeling pretty good right now.

So there you have it.  As of right now, I am healthy and back to my regularly scheduled program… Subject to change with a new day, of course.

Driver’s Licenses

I’m back again… Finally managed to kick the cold from hell so as promised, I am catching up on writing blog posts.

Also as promised, I’m posting pictures of both new and old driver’s licenses, with some details obscured for security purposes.  Without further ado, I present exhibits A and B:

Previous DL with old name

Photo was taken a few months after I cut my hair but 9-10 months before I decided to transition.  Hole punched in the card by DMV to make it an invalid license for driving but able to be used as a proof of identity.

New DL with new name

Photo taken after legal name change and having been on testosterone for 7 months.  Finally got rid of that damn “under 21 until…” bar at the top of my license…