1 Year Later…

Today is the day that one year ago, I received my very first injection of testosterone.  On this day, I was a mess of emotions.  I was happy, nervous, determined, ecstatic, hopeful, ready, and finally actualized.  I was ready for whatever life decided to throw at me.  I found who I was and was finally able to make that person visible to the rest of the world.  I’ve never looked back.

Over the past year I’ve experienced a lot of changes, both physical and psychological.  I grown more hair all over my body, my voice has dropped considerably, had muscle mass and fat distribution changes, and haven’t had the dreaded monthly blood-letting since October or November.  I haven’t been referred to as a female for months now.  I’ve grown more confident in myself and more at ease in general.

There have been ups and downs but mostly ups.  I wouldn’t change anything about what has transpired in the last year.  I found a job where I am accepted for who I am rather than what I am.  I legally changed my name to Emmett Liam.  A long relationship ended but the friendship endured.  The possibility of a new romance begins to form.  My family is acknowledging and accepting my transition.  I’ve gained friends and family.  I am loved.  I’ve never felt more complete and whole.

Fall 2004

Fall 2006

March 2008

8 months on T

1 year on T

Videos can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/user/labradork1

Birthdays

I started thinking last night and it carried over to this morning.  In a little over a week I will be turning 23 years of age.  It will also be the first birthday being legally Emmett.  This time last year, I was mainly Em to all our friends (it wasn’t very often that someone actually called me Emmett), had not started T yet, and had not yet told my family.  Here’s an interesting tidbit I just realized: in relation to my birthday, I started T about the time I would have been conceived.  I will have been on T for about 9 1/2 months on my birthday.  So this year’s birthday really will be a special sort of birthday for me.

The Visit

I’m back from visiting the family and have been for almost a week now…  Had to get back into the regular routine of life and I think I’m just about there.  I only took 4 days off of work but it’s so hard to get back to the morning grind, probably enhanced by the fact that I hardly ever take time off of work.  Guess I’m somewhat of a workaholic then…  At least I like what I do.

I went down to visit my family for my dad’s birthday in the glorious city of Redding.  And I use the term glorious city very loosely…  More like a backwards, boring, hellaciously hot, redneck town attempted to portray an image of an upscale suburban mecca.  The “famous,” “world-renowned” Sundial Bridge only thing the city officials can use draw people in to visit the area.  And the people living there aren’t exactly the most open-minded sort…  Glad to be out of there in any case.

The visit went well for the most part.  My family was very happy to see me again so there was no issue with any standoffish behaviors.  The main issue I had was constantly being referred to as she and my birth name.  My grandma was great about calling me Em and my grandpa didn’t say much.  Then again, he doesn’t usually say much unless it pertains to the topic at hand.  While I was down there, I went with my mom to the school she works at to drop my brother off for a couple hours of classes and to pick up her power cord for her laptop.  She started working there when I was finishing up high school at another school in the area, so I’ve been there a few times and the staff know me.  Or rather they know who I was prior to transitioning.  And apparently I still look pretty similar to the last time they all saw me because they all recognized me and asked my how I was and how I was doing, was I liking Portland, etc.  The women at this school (it’s pretty small) are all interested in the lives and family of each other so I’m sure my mom has talked about me.  However, I highly doubt that my mom has told them that I’m transitioning as I was referred to as she and birth name more in about an hour’s span than I have since I moved from Medford.  I almost wonder if my mom isn’t somewhat afraid of what the other staff members would think if she were to tell them, despite not really caring overly much about the opinions of others.  Seems like most of the others are highly religious to the point where they project their own beliefs/moral code/opinions on to others, whether or not their views/judgments were asked for.  I think she’s afraid of what others will think of her, as a parent.  And I suppose the possibility remains that she’s still coming to terms with my transitioning.  She does acknowledge that fact that I am transitioning… When the 2 of us are alone somewhere…  After we left the school, Mom and I went to get a coffee like we did every week when I was going to college and living in the same town but not the same place.  After we finished our coffee and were driving back to the school to pick up my brother again, she asked me when I was getting top surgery.  She couldn’t imagine that binding every day could be to comfortable and had to be aggravating considering the physical changes that were taking place.  That one time she acknowledged my transitioning and the changes that were becoming obvious.  However, after that little chat in the car, I think she decreased how often she referred to me, either by female pronouns or at all.  I like to think she made an effort to at least decreasing the female identifiers.  Maybe she really will make more of an effort to use my chosen markers.  The biggest highlight of the visit came near the end.  The night I was scheduled to depart in the indecent hours of the morning (about 3:15), we were all slowly making our way to bed to catch a few hours of sleep.  My dad said good night to me and told me that he would be up to see me off and he called me Emmett.  He is the first person in my family to call me Emmett.  Not just Em, but Emmett.  That was a breakthrough for me.  I hope that after this, everyone in my family will be more inclined to call me Emmett and refer to me as I choose.  That is my sincerest wish at this moment in time.

Moving to Portland

So I’ve found a great job in Portland and will be moving up there this weekend. My life has been filled with trips to and from Portland, packing to get up there and moving friends to new places as well. The place I will be working at knows I am trans and is very cool with it. I told the office manager during our very first interview over the phone and she just wanted to know if it would affect my work at all and if I prefer male pronouns and what name. She has been so great in working with me. She’s only introduced me as Emmett and using male pronouns when referring to me. It is so nice to be know just as Emmett and male. I did give permission for her to tell the staff about my situation to avoid any confusion. I would prefer people know that I am trans rather than have a day where I have problems binding or something like that and it becomes rather obvious that I am not fully male. Plus I would like to open the doors for people to become more knowledgeable about trans issues.

Once we are settled in Portland, I plan on filling the papers for a legal name change. I have decided to change my name to Emmett Liam. The middle name Liam being a nod to my mother who was thinking of ways to kind of include part of my birth name into a new name. I’ve always liked the name Liam too so it works.

I think that’s all the time I have for now as I need to continue packing for the move. I’ll update again once we’re all settled in.

Happy Day!

Alright, so I had my first ever counseling appointment today and things went very well. J is easy to talk to and was pretty laid back… didn’t have to censor myself when I was talking with her. Today was basically a getting-to-know-you type of day with her asking questions about what the people in my life are like and just some things that popped up while talking about my past. She had some information that she had printed off for me prior to my appointment and wrote down some names and groups that I could check out. J was very glad that I had already started a blog and joined some yahoo groups. She was also impressed with my knowledge on T and could tell that I had been doing my research for a while. We talked for an hour and scheduled another appointment for 3 weeks. So the visit went very well. The best part? She told me I could start T! She gave me the names of a doctor/nurse practitioner couple that she has worked with in the past and told me they would probably be able to help me with obtaining the T. So I guess the next step is to make an appointment over there to talk to them and see if they can write me my first prescription or if I will have to go to an endocrinologist initially.

On another note, after the happiness resulting from the counseling session, I came home to a package. Or rather two packages… My new packers came in today! I’ll have to let you know how they work out.

Also went to the gym with a friend (Z) today and will have to get a membership. We workout well together as we keep pushing ourselves in a sort of competition with each other. Ought to help a lot with my motivation issues…

So, a very good day and hope that the upcoming days will be just as good… Guess I’l have to make the pre-T video soon as it appears I will be on T sooner than originally thought…

Update

So I decided on a new name last night. I chose the name Emmett Reid. Amber really likes it as she can still call me M for short. I was in such a good mood at work today and I think deciding on a male name had a good deal to do with it. A few of my coworkers were actually remarking on it. Probably a good thing to be happy about a name you’ve chosen.

Possible Names

I’ve been looking at male names and so far the ones Amber and I like are (in no particular order):

Miles
Isaac
Bryan
Liam
Reid (middle name?)
Mason
Timothy
Wesley
Emmett

Past Life

So I told a little bit about what the purpose of this blog is for. Now I should probably talk about my life up to this point.

I grew up as a bit of a recluse in South Lake Tahoe – didn’t have very many friends. I didn’t really mind at all as I was always exploring the forest around our home and doing things girls generally don’t do. I climbed the trees and built tepee forts with my dad, helped my mom build the garden, and just had fun. I hated wearing dresses as a kid and wore them as infrequently as possible. Dresses just got in the way. You couldn’t run and climb trees in a dress. Besides the boys didn’t have to wear them so why did I? Even at school I was always hanging with the guys. I remember my best friends were Kellen and Hayes. We used to catch crickets at recess when the weather was right for them and had fun running and playing in the snow during winter. In 4th or 5th grade, one of my female friends invited me and a bunch of other girls over for a birthday party and I spent most of the time playing with her brother. I just felt uncomfortable around groups of girls. I joined the Girl Scouts and as much as I enjoyed the activities we did, I don’t think I was ever truly comfortable around them.

In junior high, I played basketball with the guys just about every day at lunch during 6th grade. As I grew up more, I started to realize that girls weren’t supposed to play with the boys and slowly started to find other activities just so I wouldn’t be talked about. I was very uncomfortable drawing attention to myself – still am to a certain extent. I think the only times I wore a dress during these times were the formal times likes music concerts and graduation. I was still involved with Girl Scouts at this point and we were supposed to go on a cruise in 8th grade. Had to get formal wear for the occasion. My mom and I went shopping for dresses and we found some pretty ones in colors I would actually wear… I think my sister has those dresses now. The trip got canceled and we ended up going to a fancy restaurant in town and later to see Les Miserable in SanFran. We took a group picture and I remember someone telling me to close my legs because I wasn’t a guy. I also hated pictures being taken of me… I’m better about it now, but not by much as some people will tell you. When we went to SanFran, one of the girls did my hair and makeup for me because I didn’t know how to do those things. I wasn’t one of those girls whose moms wouldn’t let them wear makeup – I just had no interest in it. I think the only reason I started shaving my legs was because the other girls were doing it. I started wearing a hat around during the middle school era and one of my friends asked if I was trying to become a boy. I think, looking back, that I was just trying to be like my dad. All through my life I have tried to be like my dad and at times it just spilled out far enough that people questioned me. I know girls are supposed to take after their mothers and boys after their fathers, and trust me I’ve picked up plenty from my mom, but I was constantly striving to be like dad. I can go really far into this subject but I think I’ll save that for another post.

I think the thing I hated the absolute worst about growing up was getting boobs. I would have been happy with A cups, if that. Instead, I got fucking triple D cups. Even now, my boobs plague me. I have a difficult time concealing them and would really just rather have them gone. I’m going to get a binder from Underworks whenever my tax return gets here. Hopefully, that will work for me.

High school was pretty fun. I kind of stopped caring what people thought of how I acted or dressed. Probably didn’t hurt that I joined NJROTC and was wearing a uniform once a week. I was constantly showing up the guys. I wanted to prove that I could be just as good as they were and most of the time I succeeded. I think I was probably the happiest during this time. I excelled in ROTC and was one of the only 1st years to get a position on the staff. We moved before 10th grade and my parents settled on a house in the district of the only school with ROTC in the area. I am really lucky to have parents who did that for me. They passed up many houses that would have been good because they weren’t in the right district. I ended up going to the rival school of my mom’s old high school. I loved this school. The music department was awesome even if the ROTC wasn’t the best unit I had been in. Going into the new ROTC program, I was the most decorated cadet there and I advanced quickly through the ranks, eventually becoming the commanding officer in my senior year. But the music program actually had a marching band aspect and we got to wear uniforms. They also had a Victorian Band that played during the Christmas season and I joined in 11th grade. That was the year I had to wear the dreaded pink dress… It was really more of a hot pink/fuschia color and I hated it. It was the only dress left that would fit me. I hated dresses to begin with and the add one of my most hated colors, whew that was not fun. I was very self-conscious every time I had to wear it. I envied the guys their suits and top hats. Hell, I was only wearing a dress because I had to. Somehow I made it through the season. The next year one of my friends was very kind and told the lady in charge of costumes that I would rather go out naked than wear that dress again. I had never said that but… it worked. So I happily chose a much better dress. I actually kind of liked my dress that year, despite it being a dress. My mom also made me a beautiful prom dress that year too. I can count the number of times I wore a dress in my final year of high school on one hand. I didn’t even wear a dress for senior portraits or the senior year book photo. I wore my ROTC uniform in its full glory for the yearbook photo and wore a suit-type ensemble for portraits. I haven’t worn a dress since graduation and it feels good.

When I enrolled in the community college, I played around with makeup for awhile. I wore it fairly regularly for a span of about a month when I was trying to attract a guy’s attention. Gradually though, I just stopped wearing it and returned to my T-shirts and jeans. I became more comfortable with myself when I started dating Amber. Amber is the 1st girl I have ever dated and everything feels so right with her. It feels like something has just snapped into placed since we’ve been dating. She didn’t mind if I wore guys clothes. She thought I looked hot in just about anything I wore. Telling my mom that I was now dating my roommate was very difficult. I was so nervous when I decided to tell her. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever done because I didn’t know how she would react. I didn’t know if she would tell me to get and never come back or accept it. My mom had told me about the time when my biological father had told her that they would be competing for dates when they had ended things. So I was very nervous. Lucky for me, she accepted. After I moved to a new town, I cut my hair really short – boy short. I had hair that went down to my ass. Family wasn’t too pleased about that. I am really nervous about how they are going to take my latest revelation. Granted my mom took things really well, but how is she going to take this? I’ve read blogs of other FtM men who came out to their parents about being a lesbian and their parents taking it well and then cutting off communication when they came out as being trans. My family is such a big part of my life that I am terrified of losing them. I think this is even worse than having to come out as being in a same-sex relationship. Eventually I will have to think of some way to tell them. Hopefully they will look back at my life and accept me for who I am.

An Introduction

I’d just like to start by saying hi to everyone and introduce myself. I am a 21-year-old biological female who has never really identified with being female. This blog is to record my personal transition from female to male and is a result of my girlfriend’s instigation. Hopefully this blog will be a place for me to write down my feelings and thoughts throughout my journey to become a transman. If you have any questions for me, let me know and I’ll do my best to answer them. With that, I’m going to conclude this post and write some more later.

-M