Coming home

I meant to finish this post before I came back to work after my vacation last month but obviously that didn’t happen. Life has a way of making its own plans…

My brother graduated high school at the beginning of last month and I managed to take a vacation to come down for it. He went to a very small school (18 graduated this year) in our hick town of northern California and had been there since first grade. I’ve met many of the teachers there long before I even knew that transitioning was an option and saw many of them that night. I never really knew if my mom had told her coworkers about my decision to transition, especially as she seemed to have a hard time accepting the change. I didn’t know what reactions to expect since this time I was coming home with a full beard, or at least as full a beard I can grow at this time.

I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn’t my big day and yet all the teachers I knew greeted me with no hesitation and were all very polite. One teacher even said that I was looking good and she hadn’t recognized me at first since it had been so long since I last was there. It gave me hope that people can coexist even in a backwards place like that town or that the religious right can accept people who are different from their norm.

My mother seemed different and fully accepting this time too. Far fewer slip ups and she corrected herself without anyone saying anything. There were no mistakes in public and I was very thankful for it. It was a wonderful visit which perhaps only made it harder to come back to my solitary life. It made me realize how very much alone I am up here and how little time I do get to visit my family. Once I’m out of debt and have my surgery paid for, I’m going to remedy that situation. I’ll make the time to visit more than twice a year if we’re lucky. All I have to do is very through another year and a half or two and then I’m free. That’s what I keep telling myself to get through this period. Working so much will end eventually…

Eternity

I know it’s been a really long time since I last posted so this will be a catch up type post.

Life has been a little hectic for the past couple of months.  Hell, it’s taken me over a week to write just this one post.  I’ve been working 2 jobs for a little over 2 months now and between the 2 jobs, I haven’t had a day off since August 10th.  During that time, I’ve also moved into a new place.  Didn’t realize just how hard it is to move until I was working 2 jobs and had practically no free time.  Lucky for me that my brother was really bored waiting for school to start again and wanted to take the train up to help me.  Not sure how I would have done it without his help…

 

The place I managed to find is so awesome!  For starters, it is a house instead of an apartment and it has a large garden space as well as a good sized front yard.  Plenty of cabinet space everywhere.  Just installed the ceiling fan and light (that I’ve had since I was living in Medford) in the bedroom last night.  I think all the critters are happier where we are at now.  It’s set in a quiet neighborhood just a few blocks from a middle school and there aren’t people tramping above us or up and down the stairs.  Piper is definitely much calmer and more relaxed.  I live closer to one of my coworkers and every week before I have to go to work downtown, we take Piper and her dogs for a walk and swim at a nearby park.  Piper’s borrowing a life jacket from one of the vets I work with and will actually swim without panicking now!  It’s so nice to see  him enjoy the water.  I’ve always wanted a dog that loves the water – granted, he’s not there yet but he gets closer every time he goes.  So much more confident with the life jacket on…

 

I’ve now passed 2 years on testosterone.  I can’t believe that much time has already gone by but at the same time, so much has happened in those 2 years.  I called in my next refill and this time I didn’t have any bullshit from the doctor’s office.  Didn’t even get a phone call asking me to come in for my 6 month checkup.  Funny thing is now I’m slightly paranoid something’s going to happen as I’ve had nothing but issues every time I’ve called in a refill.

 

I haven’t really noticed any more changes from the testosterone.  I don’t have the big woah, holy crap! type changes anymore.  I’m still getting more hair and continue to build muscle.  Everything seems to be progressing at a fairly steady pace.  Working the 2 jobs I have, I’ve been losing more weight but in a healthy way.  I’ve been eating healthier (most of the time) and I am definitely getting exercise in.  With any luck, I’ll be where I’d like to be physically by the time I can have surgery.  It would be wonderful accomplish 2 goals at once.

 

I think that is probably the extent of what has been going on here. Nothing too exciting it would seem.

1 Year Later…

Today is the day that one year ago, I received my very first injection of testosterone.  On this day, I was a mess of emotions.  I was happy, nervous, determined, ecstatic, hopeful, ready, and finally actualized.  I was ready for whatever life decided to throw at me.  I found who I was and was finally able to make that person visible to the rest of the world.  I’ve never looked back.

Over the past year I’ve experienced a lot of changes, both physical and psychological.  I grown more hair all over my body, my voice has dropped considerably, had muscle mass and fat distribution changes, and haven’t had the dreaded monthly blood-letting since October or November.  I haven’t been referred to as a female for months now.  I’ve grown more confident in myself and more at ease in general.

There have been ups and downs but mostly ups.  I wouldn’t change anything about what has transpired in the last year.  I found a job where I am accepted for who I am rather than what I am.  I legally changed my name to Emmett Liam.  A long relationship ended but the friendship endured.  The possibility of a new romance begins to form.  My family is acknowledging and accepting my transition.  I’ve gained friends and family.  I am loved.  I’ve never felt more complete and whole.

Fall 2004

Fall 2006

March 2008

8 months on T

1 year on T

Videos can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/user/labradork1

Family Progress

So I meant to write this post last week but ended up pulling a 6 day shift at work instead.  Worked somewhere around 58 hours in those 6 days and I didn’t have the energy to write a blog post.  Even just finding the energy to make food was a daunting task some nights.  In any event, my family (minus Dad as he had to work) came up to visit me for a few days starting on July 15th.  They brought me up a car (I had just sold my old truck and needed a more reliable car so we came to an arrangement) and a barbecue because at that time I was just using a little thing you’d take to a picnic.  Since they were coming up during the days I was going to be working, they had made plans to entertain themselves while I was working and we would do something together when I came home.  Made a reservation to go to dinner at a fondue restaurant which was a blast.  I think we spent at least 2 hours there.  One night we had planned to go out to dinner and a movie but due to a headache, we stayed in, ate dinner, played Scrabble, and I introduced them to Eddie Izzard.  That was fun.  Just like old times back home.

The visit was a lot more laid back than I was expecting.  My family is really making an effort.  They are striving to use Em or Emmett and male pronouns.  If they slip up, they corrected themselves.  My mom admitted to me when we talked yesterday that the distance does make it harder since I’m not there all the time.  We generally only talk once a week unless my work schedule goes haywire, so I can see her point.  I definitely felt more at ease during this visit than I have since I decided to start transitioning.  Although, as I’ve been living alone since the 2nd week of June, I had to make the apartment look as best as I could and get used to people living with me, even if it was only temporary.  I wanted to make the place look the best I could just to make sure that my mom didn’t worry about me adjusting to life on my own.  I know she worries about me especially now that I am on my own.  In a way, I’m glad she worries.  It shows me that she still loves me.

2 1/2 weeks

I suppose it is about time that I wrote again.  I took some time off from blogging for a bit to rearrange the whirl of thoughts in my head.  So much has happened in the last two weeks but not a whole bunch of big stuff.  It seems like one of the periods of time where time has lapsed but doesn’t really feel like it.  My days have blended together to become a blur, almost indistinguishable from the next.  Let’s start with the big thing first and work our way down, shall we?

I guess the biggest thing is that Amber and I broke up about 2 1/2 weeks ago…  Coming home to a house devoid of another human presence was rough the first few days but I’m getting used to it.  All of the critters have stayed with me, so I had them to help buffer me through the first few days.  The animals are adjusting as well.  Piper still gets to visit Amber and Xander gets to see her when she stops by.  I think the other critters around the house don’t really mind all that much.  They just want someone to feed them and let them out to run around the house…  We’re still good friends – that was something we promised each other in the event that we would ever break it off.  I’m glad that there is still the friendship.  After all, Amber was the one who helped me come out of my shell and helped support me while I was deciding whether or not I wanted to transition.

Something that seems rather bizarre to me throughout all of this is that my family seems to finally be fully accepting my transition.  Almost as if they thought that Amber was pressuring me into it.  Hell, my mom even asked me if “I was going to keep doing this other thing” when I was talking to her during a weekly chat and telling her about the break up.  Just told her that yes, I am and nothing is going to change that.  Maybe that’s what she needed to hear all along…

I’ve noticed that some things have changed for me as well.  I definitely don’t eat as much – hell, sometimes I even forget to eat dinner and then look at the clock to see that it’s already time for bed.  With that side effect, I’ve found that I’ve lost some weight.  I can actually pull my jeans fairly easily off my ass with the button and zipper still done up.  Had to cinch my belt in another notch…  And no, I don’t think this is all due to me forgetting to eat recently.  Before we broke up, I was noticing that my jeans seemed to be getting a little baggier.  This just seemed to help push things along a little more. The dog and I go for more frequent walks now too.

I’m still working on changing everything to my not-so-new-now name.  Finally called my doctor’s office and changed the name there and called Strohecker’s Pharmacy to change it there as well.  Both places were exceptionally easy, although I admit that I had only changed the records there mainly because I needed a refill of my testosterone.  I think the only places I have to change my name now are at the credit card companies.  Have the form for one of them and the other I actually need to go into a branch office to change it.  Oh, and I need to change my name with the apartment complex…  I’ll get everything changed over eventually.

I also recently obtained a new camera, technically my first digital camera.  Got an Olympus Stylus on sale and it is nice.  Haven’t tried out the video feature yet but I will soon.  The camera that was here was Amber’s so I needed to get my own camera to record video updates.  I will record a new video in the next few days to update my youtube account.

Anyways, I think that is about it for the moment.  However my thought processes are a little fuzzy and ADD at the moment due to the fact that I actually drank some alcohol tonight.  Just felt like a good night for it.  If there’s anything I missed, I’ll write another blog post about later.  I am always looking for thoughts on future post topics.  I feel like I neglect things here sometimes from a lack of things to write about.  Please drop me a line or a comment with any thoughts you have.  Thanks!

http://www.sextoy.com/prod_info.php?a=essinem&pnum=CNVELD-7431-53

The Visit

I’m back from visiting the family and have been for almost a week now…  Had to get back into the regular routine of life and I think I’m just about there.  I only took 4 days off of work but it’s so hard to get back to the morning grind, probably enhanced by the fact that I hardly ever take time off of work.  Guess I’m somewhat of a workaholic then…  At least I like what I do.

I went down to visit my family for my dad’s birthday in the glorious city of Redding.  And I use the term glorious city very loosely…  More like a backwards, boring, hellaciously hot, redneck town attempted to portray an image of an upscale suburban mecca.  The “famous,” “world-renowned” Sundial Bridge only thing the city officials can use draw people in to visit the area.  And the people living there aren’t exactly the most open-minded sort…  Glad to be out of there in any case.

The visit went well for the most part.  My family was very happy to see me again so there was no issue with any standoffish behaviors.  The main issue I had was constantly being referred to as she and my birth name.  My grandma was great about calling me Em and my grandpa didn’t say much.  Then again, he doesn’t usually say much unless it pertains to the topic at hand.  While I was down there, I went with my mom to the school she works at to drop my brother off for a couple hours of classes and to pick up her power cord for her laptop.  She started working there when I was finishing up high school at another school in the area, so I’ve been there a few times and the staff know me.  Or rather they know who I was prior to transitioning.  And apparently I still look pretty similar to the last time they all saw me because they all recognized me and asked my how I was and how I was doing, was I liking Portland, etc.  The women at this school (it’s pretty small) are all interested in the lives and family of each other so I’m sure my mom has talked about me.  However, I highly doubt that my mom has told them that I’m transitioning as I was referred to as she and birth name more in about an hour’s span than I have since I moved from Medford.  I almost wonder if my mom isn’t somewhat afraid of what the other staff members would think if she were to tell them, despite not really caring overly much about the opinions of others.  Seems like most of the others are highly religious to the point where they project their own beliefs/moral code/opinions on to others, whether or not their views/judgments were asked for.  I think she’s afraid of what others will think of her, as a parent.  And I suppose the possibility remains that she’s still coming to terms with my transitioning.  She does acknowledge that fact that I am transitioning… When the 2 of us are alone somewhere…  After we left the school, Mom and I went to get a coffee like we did every week when I was going to college and living in the same town but not the same place.  After we finished our coffee and were driving back to the school to pick up my brother again, she asked me when I was getting top surgery.  She couldn’t imagine that binding every day could be to comfortable and had to be aggravating considering the physical changes that were taking place.  That one time she acknowledged my transitioning and the changes that were becoming obvious.  However, after that little chat in the car, I think she decreased how often she referred to me, either by female pronouns or at all.  I like to think she made an effort to at least decreasing the female identifiers.  Maybe she really will make more of an effort to use my chosen markers.  The biggest highlight of the visit came near the end.  The night I was scheduled to depart in the indecent hours of the morning (about 3:15), we were all slowly making our way to bed to catch a few hours of sleep.  My dad said good night to me and told me that he would be up to see me off and he called me Emmett.  He is the first person in my family to call me Emmett.  Not just Em, but Emmett.  That was a breakthrough for me.  I hope that after this, everyone in my family will be more inclined to call me Emmett and refer to me as I choose.  That is my sincerest wish at this moment in time.

Nerves

I won’t lie…  I’m a conflicted mess of nerves right now.  Why?  This next weekend (the second weekend of May) I will be traveling down to visit my family.  The 7th is my dad’s birthday and the 9th is Mother’s Day.  I haven’t seen my family since I moved up to Portland.  That’s the only downside I have seen so far of moving up here – a lot farther away my family.  I’m excited to finally be going down there again but also nervous as hell.

I haven’t seen them in so long that I fear it is going to appear like I’ve changed overnight.  Sure, I talk with my mom almost every week, but that doesn’t involve seeing changes.  She’s remarked on my voice changing, asked if I’m getting sick…  I just tell her no.  She knows that I’m transitioning so I leave it at that.  I think she’s still coming to terms with everything, still trying to understand.  Maybe going down there will be a good thing.  It’ll make her see the changes.  I’m working on growing out my sideburns and I’m getting more facial hair so it will definitely be obvious.  At the same time, I don’t want to make things uncomfortable.  I’m probably worrying over nothing…

The other part to this whole nerves thing is the mode of transportation.  I’m traveling by train for the first time ever.  It’s roughly a 12 hour journey by train…  And Amber’s not joining me.  Due to financial concerns, we decided it would be best for me to go by myself.  Mom’s chipping in a good chunk of my travel costs too.  However, that means that I’m traveling by myself.  Not sure I’ve really ever done that before.  And I have the lovely added bonus of transitioning to add to that whole mess.  I’m still in somewhat of a limbo state in terms of presenting as male at all times.  Amber’s always been sort of a security blanket out in public for me, I suppose.  After all, one can’t really refer to themselves using male pronouns without using some form of third person narrative.  Plus, I’m not the most comfortable in a group of people where I don’t know even one person.  And 12 hours on a train means that at some point I’m going to have to use the facilities.   I don’t know if the facilities are divided by gender or if it’s like an airplane with the unisex bathroom.  I hope it’s the latter.  Would certainly make things easier on my mental state.

Hopefully, I’m just worried about nothing.  Hell, who knows?  It might turn out to be beneficial after all…