Coming home

I meant to finish this post before I came back to work after my vacation last month but obviously that didn’t happen. Life has a way of making its own plans…

My brother graduated high school at the beginning of last month and I managed to take a vacation to come down for it. He went to a very small school (18 graduated this year) in our hick town of northern California and had been there since first grade. I’ve met many of the teachers there long before I even knew that transitioning was an option and saw many of them that night. I never really knew if my mom had told her coworkers about my decision to transition, especially as she seemed to have a hard time accepting the change. I didn’t know what reactions to expect since this time I was coming home with a full beard, or at least as full a beard I can grow at this time.

I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn’t my big day and yet all the teachers I knew greeted me with no hesitation and were all very polite. One teacher even said that I was looking good and she hadn’t recognized me at first since it had been so long since I last was there. It gave me hope that people can coexist even in a backwards place like that town or that the religious right can accept people who are different from their norm.

My mother seemed different and fully accepting this time too. Far fewer slip ups and she corrected herself without anyone saying anything. There were no mistakes in public and I was very thankful for it. It was a wonderful visit which perhaps only made it harder to come back to my solitary life. It made me realize how very much alone I am up here and how little time I do get to visit my family. Once I’m out of debt and have my surgery paid for, I’m going to remedy that situation. I’ll make the time to visit more than twice a year if we’re lucky. All I have to do is very through another year and a half or two and then I’m free. That’s what I keep telling myself to get through this period. Working so much will end eventually…

Eternity

I know it’s been a really long time since I last posted so this will be a catch up type post.

Life has been a little hectic for the past couple of months.  Hell, it’s taken me over a week to write just this one post.  I’ve been working 2 jobs for a little over 2 months now and between the 2 jobs, I haven’t had a day off since August 10th.  During that time, I’ve also moved into a new place.  Didn’t realize just how hard it is to move until I was working 2 jobs and had practically no free time.  Lucky for me that my brother was really bored waiting for school to start again and wanted to take the train up to help me.  Not sure how I would have done it without his help…

 

The place I managed to find is so awesome!  For starters, it is a house instead of an apartment and it has a large garden space as well as a good sized front yard.  Plenty of cabinet space everywhere.  Just installed the ceiling fan and light (that I’ve had since I was living in Medford) in the bedroom last night.  I think all the critters are happier where we are at now.  It’s set in a quiet neighborhood just a few blocks from a middle school and there aren’t people tramping above us or up and down the stairs.  Piper is definitely much calmer and more relaxed.  I live closer to one of my coworkers and every week before I have to go to work downtown, we take Piper and her dogs for a walk and swim at a nearby park.  Piper’s borrowing a life jacket from one of the vets I work with and will actually swim without panicking now!  It’s so nice to see  him enjoy the water.  I’ve always wanted a dog that loves the water – granted, he’s not there yet but he gets closer every time he goes.  So much more confident with the life jacket on…

 

I’ve now passed 2 years on testosterone.  I can’t believe that much time has already gone by but at the same time, so much has happened in those 2 years.  I called in my next refill and this time I didn’t have any bullshit from the doctor’s office.  Didn’t even get a phone call asking me to come in for my 6 month checkup.  Funny thing is now I’m slightly paranoid something’s going to happen as I’ve had nothing but issues every time I’ve called in a refill.

 

I haven’t really noticed any more changes from the testosterone.  I don’t have the big woah, holy crap! type changes anymore.  I’m still getting more hair and continue to build muscle.  Everything seems to be progressing at a fairly steady pace.  Working the 2 jobs I have, I’ve been losing more weight but in a healthy way.  I’ve been eating healthier (most of the time) and I am definitely getting exercise in.  With any luck, I’ll be where I’d like to be physically by the time I can have surgery.  It would be wonderful accomplish 2 goals at once.

 

I think that is probably the extent of what has been going on here. Nothing too exciting it would seem.

Money Sucks…

It’s true what they say about money.  Money does make the world go ’round.  Unfortunately.

 

Since my last post, I’ve been applying for loans to cover surgery and my credit card debt.  All to no avail.  The most I can seem to get (even with using my car as collateral) is about $3,000, which is not going to come close to touching my needs.  The biggest reason for companies denying my application?  Balance to credit limits too high.  Seriously?  One of the reasons for this loan is debt consolidation but they won’t even approve that.  Lovely.  The second reason?  Apparently I don’t make enough.  Never mind the fact that I pay more on the cards now (and am paying just slightly over the interest) than I would on a loan for surgery and debt consolidation…  I don’t have any late payments or collections on my credit history either.  Credit is a joke.

 

So, at the moment I am looking for a second job.  Perhaps with additional income, they’ll finally approve it.  Haven’t heard back from any of the places I’ve applied yet.  Hoping to hear from someone soon.  I’m starting to get worried that I won’t have the finances available by December.  I don’t want to have to push my surgery back even more.  The timing was working out perfectly.  The time I was taking off of work is perfect for work and my mom and sister are coming up to take care of me post-op.  I am so ready for surgery and have been for a long time.  I don’t really know what to do at this point.  I don’t really have anyone to even co-sign on a loan with me.  Maybe it would be best to just push surgery back another year, get a second job, and just work my ass off.  The thought of it makes me die a little inside but I guess if that’s what needs to be done, then I’ll have to do it.  I’ll wait a little longer to make that decision…  Anyone know someone who’s got some extra money?

Top Surgery Date!

Went in to the office and scheduled my surgery date today!  I will no longer have these hanging sacks of flesh as of January 7th, 2011!  I am beyond stoked.  I have a pre-op appointment scheduled for the 22nd of December and then will be taking 2 weeks off of work for recovery time.  After I return to work, I’ll be on light duty for another 2-4 weeks while I fully recover and can do all the things I could do pre-op.  It will be an exciting time!  Going to see if my mom will be able to come stay with me for at least the first week after surgery…

In preparation for this auspicious event, I am spending more time in the gym trying to lose some excess body fat prior to surgery.  Luckily the apartment complex upgraded the gym a little bit and it’s easier to use.  They finally put in free weights and made it so you can actually use the weight tower.  Also added an elliptical.  Damn, those things really work up a sweat!  I swear I’m going to have to start doing laundry more frequently now…

Thank you for all the support and well wishes I have received!  It means a lot to me.

Top Surgery

It would appear that I will be getting top surgery sooner than I had hoped.  I’m planning on this coming January.

I went to a surgery consult with Dr. Tuan Nguyen here in the Portland area on the 1st.  My PCP (Dr. Sara Becker) recommended that I go check him out.  Her opinion was that his surgeries are even better than Dr. Brownstein in SF, who I was originally planning to have surgery with.  Higher incidence of “dog ears.”  With that in mind, I looked him up on the internet, found his web page and emailed his office.  Received a reply to my inquiry and made an appointment.

Every time I go to some form of a doctor’s office, my hands always go cold and they don’t warm up until I leave the office.  Not sure why…  Just one of my quirks apparently.  Had a great experience at Dr. Nguyen’s office.  Everyone was nice, friendly, and professional.  I think he has a limited staff, perhaps one person who doubles as office manager/receptionist, or maybe I jut happened to be call/email/be there on the days that she worked.  Dr. Nguyen had a couple of interns with him and they asked if it would be alright for them to join us.  I didn’t mind so they came in as well.  He started off by explaining the procedure he would perform and answered my questions.  He strikes me as a perfectionist, doesn’t want to have to do a revision surgery so is determined to do it right the first time.  Definitely a plus in my book.  I’d much rather have a perfectionist doing a form of cosmetic surgery.

I liked a lot of things about him.  He seemed so knowledgeable and answered my questions without any hesitation.  He’s done over 300-400 double incision surgeries over the last 10 years.  I’ll probably be under anesthesia for 3 1/2 – 4 hours.  Dr. Nguyen takes time to make sure all bleeding has stopped before he stitches everything up so bruising is minimal.  I should be back to work in 2 weeks, although I will be on light duty for another 2-4 weeks when I return.  I will need to wear a post-surgical binder for about 6 weeks following surgery so I’ll have to look into one of those.  The only medication I will have to stop taking will be the aspirin 2 weeks before surgery.  Given his results, I’m surprised that his name isn’t really out there.  Seems the 2 big names in the US are Dr. Garramone on the East coast and Dr. Brownstein on the West coast.  I’ve only seen his name pop up once in the FtM surgery group I’m in and those pictures are only of a lipo procedure…  Surprising given his expertise.

Dr. Nguyen took some measurements at the end and had a surgical estimate created for me, which I received in the mail about a week later.  Would have gotten it sooner but Labor Day interfered with mail delivery.  Based on my specifics, surgery with him will end up costing me $7,551.  Definitely cheaper than the $8650, it would have cost me with Dr. Brownstein.  Plus with Dr. Nguyen being local, I won’t have to worry about travel expenses or lodging.  I can recover in my own home.  His office is in the same area of town where I work so any follow-ups will be easy to get to.  His office doesn’t accept any payment plans and all costs are due in full 2 weeks prior to surgery.  Ends up working out for me in the long run.  Took a look at loans available and found a fixed interest rate loan that I could get enough to cover my surgery and my present debts.  Calculated it all out and found that the amount I would have to borrow I could have paid back in close to the same amount of time it would take for me to finish paying off ONE of my credit cards due to the high interest rate on it.  It all seems to be working out well financially for me.  I was thinking that in order to do surgery, I would be scraping by for a while but this now seems feasible.

I plan to go into the office to schedule the  surgery tomorrow during my lunch break.  January works best for work to have me gone for 2 weeks and the light duty for another couple of weeks.  January is typically our slower time.  This will give me time to lose a little more excess weight before surgery too.  Everything seems to be coming together nicely.  Now I just need to see if someone in my family would be able to come up for a week or so to help me out after surgery…

1 Year Later…

Today is the day that one year ago, I received my very first injection of testosterone.  On this day, I was a mess of emotions.  I was happy, nervous, determined, ecstatic, hopeful, ready, and finally actualized.  I was ready for whatever life decided to throw at me.  I found who I was and was finally able to make that person visible to the rest of the world.  I’ve never looked back.

Over the past year I’ve experienced a lot of changes, both physical and psychological.  I grown more hair all over my body, my voice has dropped considerably, had muscle mass and fat distribution changes, and haven’t had the dreaded monthly blood-letting since October or November.  I haven’t been referred to as a female for months now.  I’ve grown more confident in myself and more at ease in general.

There have been ups and downs but mostly ups.  I wouldn’t change anything about what has transpired in the last year.  I found a job where I am accepted for who I am rather than what I am.  I legally changed my name to Emmett Liam.  A long relationship ended but the friendship endured.  The possibility of a new romance begins to form.  My family is acknowledging and accepting my transition.  I’ve gained friends and family.  I am loved.  I’ve never felt more complete and whole.

Fall 2004

Fall 2006

March 2008

8 months on T

1 year on T

Videos can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/user/labradork1

Family Progress

So I meant to write this post last week but ended up pulling a 6 day shift at work instead.  Worked somewhere around 58 hours in those 6 days and I didn’t have the energy to write a blog post.  Even just finding the energy to make food was a daunting task some nights.  In any event, my family (minus Dad as he had to work) came up to visit me for a few days starting on July 15th.  They brought me up a car (I had just sold my old truck and needed a more reliable car so we came to an arrangement) and a barbecue because at that time I was just using a little thing you’d take to a picnic.  Since they were coming up during the days I was going to be working, they had made plans to entertain themselves while I was working and we would do something together when I came home.  Made a reservation to go to dinner at a fondue restaurant which was a blast.  I think we spent at least 2 hours there.  One night we had planned to go out to dinner and a movie but due to a headache, we stayed in, ate dinner, played Scrabble, and I introduced them to Eddie Izzard.  That was fun.  Just like old times back home.

The visit was a lot more laid back than I was expecting.  My family is really making an effort.  They are striving to use Em or Emmett and male pronouns.  If they slip up, they corrected themselves.  My mom admitted to me when we talked yesterday that the distance does make it harder since I’m not there all the time.  We generally only talk once a week unless my work schedule goes haywire, so I can see her point.  I definitely felt more at ease during this visit than I have since I decided to start transitioning.  Although, as I’ve been living alone since the 2nd week of June, I had to make the apartment look as best as I could and get used to people living with me, even if it was only temporary.  I wanted to make the place look the best I could just to make sure that my mom didn’t worry about me adjusting to life on my own.  I know she worries about me especially now that I am on my own.  In a way, I’m glad she worries.  It shows me that she still loves me.

2 1/2 weeks

I suppose it is about time that I wrote again.  I took some time off from blogging for a bit to rearrange the whirl of thoughts in my head.  So much has happened in the last two weeks but not a whole bunch of big stuff.  It seems like one of the periods of time where time has lapsed but doesn’t really feel like it.  My days have blended together to become a blur, almost indistinguishable from the next.  Let’s start with the big thing first and work our way down, shall we?

I guess the biggest thing is that Amber and I broke up about 2 1/2 weeks ago…  Coming home to a house devoid of another human presence was rough the first few days but I’m getting used to it.  All of the critters have stayed with me, so I had them to help buffer me through the first few days.  The animals are adjusting as well.  Piper still gets to visit Amber and Xander gets to see her when she stops by.  I think the other critters around the house don’t really mind all that much.  They just want someone to feed them and let them out to run around the house…  We’re still good friends – that was something we promised each other in the event that we would ever break it off.  I’m glad that there is still the friendship.  After all, Amber was the one who helped me come out of my shell and helped support me while I was deciding whether or not I wanted to transition.

Something that seems rather bizarre to me throughout all of this is that my family seems to finally be fully accepting my transition.  Almost as if they thought that Amber was pressuring me into it.  Hell, my mom even asked me if “I was going to keep doing this other thing” when I was talking to her during a weekly chat and telling her about the break up.  Just told her that yes, I am and nothing is going to change that.  Maybe that’s what she needed to hear all along…

I’ve noticed that some things have changed for me as well.  I definitely don’t eat as much – hell, sometimes I even forget to eat dinner and then look at the clock to see that it’s already time for bed.  With that side effect, I’ve found that I’ve lost some weight.  I can actually pull my jeans fairly easily off my ass with the button and zipper still done up.  Had to cinch my belt in another notch…  And no, I don’t think this is all due to me forgetting to eat recently.  Before we broke up, I was noticing that my jeans seemed to be getting a little baggier.  This just seemed to help push things along a little more. The dog and I go for more frequent walks now too.

I’m still working on changing everything to my not-so-new-now name.  Finally called my doctor’s office and changed the name there and called Strohecker’s Pharmacy to change it there as well.  Both places were exceptionally easy, although I admit that I had only changed the records there mainly because I needed a refill of my testosterone.  I think the only places I have to change my name now are at the credit card companies.  Have the form for one of them and the other I actually need to go into a branch office to change it.  Oh, and I need to change my name with the apartment complex…  I’ll get everything changed over eventually.

I also recently obtained a new camera, technically my first digital camera.  Got an Olympus Stylus on sale and it is nice.  Haven’t tried out the video feature yet but I will soon.  The camera that was here was Amber’s so I needed to get my own camera to record video updates.  I will record a new video in the next few days to update my youtube account.

Anyways, I think that is about it for the moment.  However my thought processes are a little fuzzy and ADD at the moment due to the fact that I actually drank some alcohol tonight.  Just felt like a good night for it.  If there’s anything I missed, I’ll write another blog post about later.  I am always looking for thoughts on future post topics.  I feel like I neglect things here sometimes from a lack of things to write about.  Please drop me a line or a comment with any thoughts you have.  Thanks!

http://www.sextoy.com/prod_info.php?a=essinem&pnum=CNVELD-7431-53

Today…

Today is the first day that I can celebrate my birthday legally as Emmett! There’s a first time for everything. And now I’m going to go spend the day at the zoo as it would appear that the weather is cooperating.

Birthdays

I started thinking last night and it carried over to this morning.  In a little over a week I will be turning 23 years of age.  It will also be the first birthday being legally Emmett.  This time last year, I was mainly Em to all our friends (it wasn’t very often that someone actually called me Emmett), had not started T yet, and had not yet told my family.  Here’s an interesting tidbit I just realized: in relation to my birthday, I started T about the time I would have been conceived.  I will have been on T for about 9 1/2 months on my birthday.  So this year’s birthday really will be a special sort of birthday for me.