I haven’t written in quite a while. Haven’t had much too say nor the inclination to write. Perhaps if I were to not confine myself on this blog to just transitioning I might write more. Hard to say. I also went through a period of time where I didn’t want to be seen as just FtM. I wanted to be seen as a whole person. Yes, I will always be FtM and I will always embrace that part of me and my past. I do, however, want to be seen as an individual…
It’s been so long since I’ve last written that I’m not really sure where to start. I suppose I should start where I left off. Probably be a good place to begin anew.
I ended up cancelling my surgery with Dr. Nyguyen for January 7th. Postpone is a better word, I think. I still plan to have my surgery performed by him once I have the finances to do so. I am still chipping away at my debts and working to get those down before I pursue surgery. Once I made the decision to hold off until my financial situation improved, I, oddly enough, felt more at peace with my body. I am alright with binding whenever I leave the house. I don’t worry as much about my top giving away my inner secret. Perhaps my outer appearances have something to do with that as well. I still very much look forward to the day I can wear one shirt and take that shirt off if I felt like it, but I am okay with waiting longer. And perhaps it will work out in the long run.
Aflac does supplemental insurance with my place of employment. Recently my office manager spoke to our representative as we are at the point where we need to renew our insurances for the new year. She asked them on my behalf if there were any policies that would help me with paying for top surgery. Apparently, after phone calls to office headquarters, the representative found something that may work for me. I need to speak with her further and will be scheduling an appointment once we figure out if there is enough interest for the reps to come back to the hospital and group multiple individual appointments in one day or just contact individually. Really hoping that something feasible is available. I would love to have help paying for an expense this large. It’ll happen one way or another but it would be nice to have someone on my side.
I went home for Christmas and was glad to be back with the family for a few days. It’s kind of funny how when siblings are living together day after day, all you want to do is bicker or kill each other, but when there is distance, you just want to spend time together. Changes don’t matter. You’re family and you haven’t seen each other in months. It nice to be accepted so unconditionally. Grandma kept complimenting me on how well I was looking and Dad even joked (I think) about how envious he and my brother were that I could grow a full beard. I’m not quite to the full beard stage yet but it was nice to be one of the guys in my own family.
Not much in the way of changes from testosterone in the last 4 or so months. More facial/body hair and voice is a little deeper (not much). I’ll make a video post soon on youtube to monitor the voice change. I’ve been trying to go to the gym regularly but something always seems to happen 1-2 weeks into a routine. This last time was an infection that I had to go on antibiotics for. I don’t know what it is about antibiotics but they always mess me up… This time it sapped my energy and motivation to do anything. Last round of antibiotics exhausted me – I literally went to work, came home and passed out on the couch, woke up to eat something and take another pill, and then went to bed. This time wasn’t as bad as that but I definitely couldn’t find the desire to do anything. Wasn’t eating as much or as healthy primarily because I didn’t want to cook. Started feeling human again two days after finishing the course and just went to the gym again a week later.
I have also been able to start running. For some time, it was actually hurting me to go for a run. One time I ended up tweaking my back somehow and it was hurting for close to a week after. After going to the gym regularly and losing some excess weight, I can run without hurting afterwards. I think I just got to a point where I was too heavy for my own joints. I still have more weight to lose but my body is happier now than it was just 2 months ago.
I currently do not have a bed and am sleeping on the floor. I had been sleeping on an air mattress since July or August but after the second one decided to give out last month, I decided to wait until I got a new mattress. Maybe by the time I’m finished making my bed frame, I’ll be in a position to afford a mattress. Would be nice. It gets a little tiring sleeping on the floor. I have made it slightly more comfortable by piling 5 comforters and sleeping bags together along with a few extra pillows but it doesn’t really compare to an actual mattress.
I also got my insurance changed over to my legal name so once I get the new insurance cards, I’ll be able to have my name changed on my medical records. Finally!
I think that is all that has happened around here in the past few months. I may try writing something besides transitioning related material here so I don’t neglect this blog so badly. We shall see in time.