Been too long…

I haven’t written in quite a while.  Haven’t had much too say nor the inclination to write.  Perhaps if I were to not confine myself on this blog to just transitioning I might write more.  Hard to say.  I also went through a period of time where I didn’t want to be seen as just FtM.  I wanted to be seen as a whole person.  Yes, I will always be FtM and I will always embrace that part of me and my past.  I do, however, want to be seen as an individual…

It’s been so long since I’ve last written that I’m not really sure where to start.  I suppose I should start where I left off.  Probably be a good place to begin anew.

I ended up cancelling my surgery with Dr. Nyguyen for January 7th.  Postpone is a better word, I think.  I still plan to have my surgery performed by him once I have the finances to do so.  I am still chipping away at my debts and working to get those down before I pursue surgery.  Once I made the decision to hold off until my financial situation improved, I, oddly enough, felt more at peace with my body.  I am alright with binding whenever I leave the house.  I don’t worry as much about my top giving away my inner secret.  Perhaps my outer appearances have something to do with that as well.  I still very much look forward to the day I can wear one shirt and take that shirt off if I felt like it, but I am okay with waiting longer.  And perhaps it will work out in the long run.

Aflac does supplemental insurance with my place of employment.  Recently my office manager spoke to our representative as we are at the point where we need to renew our insurances for the new year.  She asked them on my behalf if there were any policies that would help me with paying for top surgery.  Apparently, after phone calls to office headquarters, the representative found something that may work for me.  I need to speak with her further and will be scheduling an appointment once we figure out if there is enough interest for the reps to come back to the hospital and group multiple individual appointments in one day or just contact individually.  Really hoping that something feasible is available.  I would love to have help paying for an expense this large.  It’ll happen one way or another but it would be nice to have someone on my side.

I went home for Christmas and was glad to be back with the family for a few days.  It’s kind of funny how when siblings are living together day after day, all you want to do is bicker or kill each other, but when there is distance, you just want to spend time together.  Changes don’t matter.  You’re family and you haven’t seen each other in months.  It nice to be accepted so unconditionally.  Grandma kept complimenting me on how well I was looking and Dad even joked (I think) about how envious he and my brother were that I could grow a full beard.  I’m not quite to the full beard stage yet but it was nice to be one of the guys in my own family.

Not much in the way of changes from testosterone in the last 4 or so months.  More facial/body hair and voice is a little deeper (not much).  I’ll make a video post soon on youtube to monitor the voice change.  I’ve been trying to go to the gym regularly but something always seems to happen 1-2 weeks into a routine.  This last time was an infection that I had to go on antibiotics for.  I don’t know what it is about antibiotics but they always mess me up… This time it sapped my energy and motivation to do anything.  Last round of antibiotics exhausted me – I literally went to work, came home and passed out on the couch, woke up to eat something and take another pill, and then went to bed.  This time wasn’t as bad as that but I definitely couldn’t find the desire to do anything.  Wasn’t eating as much or as healthy primarily because I didn’t want to cook.  Started feeling human again two days after finishing the course and just went to the gym again a week later.

I have also been able to start running.  For some time, it was actually hurting me to go for a run.  One time I ended up tweaking my back somehow and it was hurting for close to a week after.  After going to the gym regularly and losing some excess weight, I can run without hurting afterwards.  I think I just got to a point where I was too heavy for my own joints.  I still have more weight to lose but my body is happier now than it was just 2 months ago.

I currently do not have a bed and am sleeping on the floor.  I had been sleeping on an air mattress since July or August but after the second one decided to give out last month, I decided to wait until I got a new mattress.  Maybe by the time I’m finished making my bed frame, I’ll be in a position to afford a mattress.  Would be nice.  It gets a little tiring sleeping on the floor.  I have made it slightly more comfortable by piling 5 comforters and sleeping bags together along with a few extra pillows but it doesn’t really compare to an actual mattress.

I also got my insurance changed over to my legal name so once I get the new insurance cards, I’ll be able to have my name changed on my medical records.  Finally!

I think that is all that has happened around here in the past few months.  I may try writing something besides transitioning related material here so I don’t neglect this blog so badly.  We shall see in time.

Money Sucks…

It’s true what they say about money.  Money does make the world go ’round.  Unfortunately.

 

Since my last post, I’ve been applying for loans to cover surgery and my credit card debt.  All to no avail.  The most I can seem to get (even with using my car as collateral) is about $3,000, which is not going to come close to touching my needs.  The biggest reason for companies denying my application?  Balance to credit limits too high.  Seriously?  One of the reasons for this loan is debt consolidation but they won’t even approve that.  Lovely.  The second reason?  Apparently I don’t make enough.  Never mind the fact that I pay more on the cards now (and am paying just slightly over the interest) than I would on a loan for surgery and debt consolidation…  I don’t have any late payments or collections on my credit history either.  Credit is a joke.

 

So, at the moment I am looking for a second job.  Perhaps with additional income, they’ll finally approve it.  Haven’t heard back from any of the places I’ve applied yet.  Hoping to hear from someone soon.  I’m starting to get worried that I won’t have the finances available by December.  I don’t want to have to push my surgery back even more.  The timing was working out perfectly.  The time I was taking off of work is perfect for work and my mom and sister are coming up to take care of me post-op.  I am so ready for surgery and have been for a long time.  I don’t really know what to do at this point.  I don’t really have anyone to even co-sign on a loan with me.  Maybe it would be best to just push surgery back another year, get a second job, and just work my ass off.  The thought of it makes me die a little inside but I guess if that’s what needs to be done, then I’ll have to do it.  I’ll wait a little longer to make that decision…  Anyone know someone who’s got some extra money?

Top Surgery Date!

Went in to the office and scheduled my surgery date today!  I will no longer have these hanging sacks of flesh as of January 7th, 2011!  I am beyond stoked.  I have a pre-op appointment scheduled for the 22nd of December and then will be taking 2 weeks off of work for recovery time.  After I return to work, I’ll be on light duty for another 2-4 weeks while I fully recover and can do all the things I could do pre-op.  It will be an exciting time!  Going to see if my mom will be able to come stay with me for at least the first week after surgery…

In preparation for this auspicious event, I am spending more time in the gym trying to lose some excess body fat prior to surgery.  Luckily the apartment complex upgraded the gym a little bit and it’s easier to use.  They finally put in free weights and made it so you can actually use the weight tower.  Also added an elliptical.  Damn, those things really work up a sweat!  I swear I’m going to have to start doing laundry more frequently now…

Thank you for all the support and well wishes I have received!  It means a lot to me.

Top Surgery

It would appear that I will be getting top surgery sooner than I had hoped.  I’m planning on this coming January.

I went to a surgery consult with Dr. Tuan Nguyen here in the Portland area on the 1st.  My PCP (Dr. Sara Becker) recommended that I go check him out.  Her opinion was that his surgeries are even better than Dr. Brownstein in SF, who I was originally planning to have surgery with.  Higher incidence of “dog ears.”  With that in mind, I looked him up on the internet, found his web page and emailed his office.  Received a reply to my inquiry and made an appointment.

Every time I go to some form of a doctor’s office, my hands always go cold and they don’t warm up until I leave the office.  Not sure why…  Just one of my quirks apparently.  Had a great experience at Dr. Nguyen’s office.  Everyone was nice, friendly, and professional.  I think he has a limited staff, perhaps one person who doubles as office manager/receptionist, or maybe I jut happened to be call/email/be there on the days that she worked.  Dr. Nguyen had a couple of interns with him and they asked if it would be alright for them to join us.  I didn’t mind so they came in as well.  He started off by explaining the procedure he would perform and answered my questions.  He strikes me as a perfectionist, doesn’t want to have to do a revision surgery so is determined to do it right the first time.  Definitely a plus in my book.  I’d much rather have a perfectionist doing a form of cosmetic surgery.

I liked a lot of things about him.  He seemed so knowledgeable and answered my questions without any hesitation.  He’s done over 300-400 double incision surgeries over the last 10 years.  I’ll probably be under anesthesia for 3 1/2 – 4 hours.  Dr. Nguyen takes time to make sure all bleeding has stopped before he stitches everything up so bruising is minimal.  I should be back to work in 2 weeks, although I will be on light duty for another 2-4 weeks when I return.  I will need to wear a post-surgical binder for about 6 weeks following surgery so I’ll have to look into one of those.  The only medication I will have to stop taking will be the aspirin 2 weeks before surgery.  Given his results, I’m surprised that his name isn’t really out there.  Seems the 2 big names in the US are Dr. Garramone on the East coast and Dr. Brownstein on the West coast.  I’ve only seen his name pop up once in the FtM surgery group I’m in and those pictures are only of a lipo procedure…  Surprising given his expertise.

Dr. Nguyen took some measurements at the end and had a surgical estimate created for me, which I received in the mail about a week later.  Would have gotten it sooner but Labor Day interfered with mail delivery.  Based on my specifics, surgery with him will end up costing me $7,551.  Definitely cheaper than the $8650, it would have cost me with Dr. Brownstein.  Plus with Dr. Nguyen being local, I won’t have to worry about travel expenses or lodging.  I can recover in my own home.  His office is in the same area of town where I work so any follow-ups will be easy to get to.  His office doesn’t accept any payment plans and all costs are due in full 2 weeks prior to surgery.  Ends up working out for me in the long run.  Took a look at loans available and found a fixed interest rate loan that I could get enough to cover my surgery and my present debts.  Calculated it all out and found that the amount I would have to borrow I could have paid back in close to the same amount of time it would take for me to finish paying off ONE of my credit cards due to the high interest rate on it.  It all seems to be working out well financially for me.  I was thinking that in order to do surgery, I would be scraping by for a while but this now seems feasible.

I plan to go into the office to schedule the  surgery tomorrow during my lunch break.  January works best for work to have me gone for 2 weeks and the light duty for another couple of weeks.  January is typically our slower time.  This will give me time to lose a little more excess weight before surgery too.  Everything seems to be coming together nicely.  Now I just need to see if someone in my family would be able to come up for a week or so to help me out after surgery…

1 Year Later…

Today is the day that one year ago, I received my very first injection of testosterone.  On this day, I was a mess of emotions.  I was happy, nervous, determined, ecstatic, hopeful, ready, and finally actualized.  I was ready for whatever life decided to throw at me.  I found who I was and was finally able to make that person visible to the rest of the world.  I’ve never looked back.

Over the past year I’ve experienced a lot of changes, both physical and psychological.  I grown more hair all over my body, my voice has dropped considerably, had muscle mass and fat distribution changes, and haven’t had the dreaded monthly blood-letting since October or November.  I haven’t been referred to as a female for months now.  I’ve grown more confident in myself and more at ease in general.

There have been ups and downs but mostly ups.  I wouldn’t change anything about what has transpired in the last year.  I found a job where I am accepted for who I am rather than what I am.  I legally changed my name to Emmett Liam.  A long relationship ended but the friendship endured.  The possibility of a new romance begins to form.  My family is acknowledging and accepting my transition.  I’ve gained friends and family.  I am loved.  I’ve never felt more complete and whole.

Fall 2004

Fall 2006

March 2008

8 months on T

1 year on T

Videos can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/user/labradork1

Family Progress

So I meant to write this post last week but ended up pulling a 6 day shift at work instead.  Worked somewhere around 58 hours in those 6 days and I didn’t have the energy to write a blog post.  Even just finding the energy to make food was a daunting task some nights.  In any event, my family (minus Dad as he had to work) came up to visit me for a few days starting on July 15th.  They brought me up a car (I had just sold my old truck and needed a more reliable car so we came to an arrangement) and a barbecue because at that time I was just using a little thing you’d take to a picnic.  Since they were coming up during the days I was going to be working, they had made plans to entertain themselves while I was working and we would do something together when I came home.  Made a reservation to go to dinner at a fondue restaurant which was a blast.  I think we spent at least 2 hours there.  One night we had planned to go out to dinner and a movie but due to a headache, we stayed in, ate dinner, played Scrabble, and I introduced them to Eddie Izzard.  That was fun.  Just like old times back home.

The visit was a lot more laid back than I was expecting.  My family is really making an effort.  They are striving to use Em or Emmett and male pronouns.  If they slip up, they corrected themselves.  My mom admitted to me when we talked yesterday that the distance does make it harder since I’m not there all the time.  We generally only talk once a week unless my work schedule goes haywire, so I can see her point.  I definitely felt more at ease during this visit than I have since I decided to start transitioning.  Although, as I’ve been living alone since the 2nd week of June, I had to make the apartment look as best as I could and get used to people living with me, even if it was only temporary.  I wanted to make the place look the best I could just to make sure that my mom didn’t worry about me adjusting to life on my own.  I know she worries about me especially now that I am on my own.  In a way, I’m glad she worries.  It shows me that she still loves me.

2 1/2 weeks

I suppose it is about time that I wrote again.  I took some time off from blogging for a bit to rearrange the whirl of thoughts in my head.  So much has happened in the last two weeks but not a whole bunch of big stuff.  It seems like one of the periods of time where time has lapsed but doesn’t really feel like it.  My days have blended together to become a blur, almost indistinguishable from the next.  Let’s start with the big thing first and work our way down, shall we?

I guess the biggest thing is that Amber and I broke up about 2 1/2 weeks ago…  Coming home to a house devoid of another human presence was rough the first few days but I’m getting used to it.  All of the critters have stayed with me, so I had them to help buffer me through the first few days.  The animals are adjusting as well.  Piper still gets to visit Amber and Xander gets to see her when she stops by.  I think the other critters around the house don’t really mind all that much.  They just want someone to feed them and let them out to run around the house…  We’re still good friends – that was something we promised each other in the event that we would ever break it off.  I’m glad that there is still the friendship.  After all, Amber was the one who helped me come out of my shell and helped support me while I was deciding whether or not I wanted to transition.

Something that seems rather bizarre to me throughout all of this is that my family seems to finally be fully accepting my transition.  Almost as if they thought that Amber was pressuring me into it.  Hell, my mom even asked me if “I was going to keep doing this other thing” when I was talking to her during a weekly chat and telling her about the break up.  Just told her that yes, I am and nothing is going to change that.  Maybe that’s what she needed to hear all along…

I’ve noticed that some things have changed for me as well.  I definitely don’t eat as much – hell, sometimes I even forget to eat dinner and then look at the clock to see that it’s already time for bed.  With that side effect, I’ve found that I’ve lost some weight.  I can actually pull my jeans fairly easily off my ass with the button and zipper still done up.  Had to cinch my belt in another notch…  And no, I don’t think this is all due to me forgetting to eat recently.  Before we broke up, I was noticing that my jeans seemed to be getting a little baggier.  This just seemed to help push things along a little more. The dog and I go for more frequent walks now too.

I’m still working on changing everything to my not-so-new-now name.  Finally called my doctor’s office and changed the name there and called Strohecker’s Pharmacy to change it there as well.  Both places were exceptionally easy, although I admit that I had only changed the records there mainly because I needed a refill of my testosterone.  I think the only places I have to change my name now are at the credit card companies.  Have the form for one of them and the other I actually need to go into a branch office to change it.  Oh, and I need to change my name with the apartment complex…  I’ll get everything changed over eventually.

I also recently obtained a new camera, technically my first digital camera.  Got an Olympus Stylus on sale and it is nice.  Haven’t tried out the video feature yet but I will soon.  The camera that was here was Amber’s so I needed to get my own camera to record video updates.  I will record a new video in the next few days to update my youtube account.

Anyways, I think that is about it for the moment.  However my thought processes are a little fuzzy and ADD at the moment due to the fact that I actually drank some alcohol tonight.  Just felt like a good night for it.  If there’s anything I missed, I’ll write another blog post about later.  I am always looking for thoughts on future post topics.  I feel like I neglect things here sometimes from a lack of things to write about.  Please drop me a line or a comment with any thoughts you have.  Thanks!

http://www.sextoy.com/prod_info.php?a=essinem&pnum=CNVELD-7431-53